dishes.

curse of being the ate.

for me and nini,

the title ate
is soft when said
but heavy when carried.

it belongs to someone strong, kind, and
one who learns to hold the house together
with coarse hands.

it means guidance.
it means patience.
it also means you stand a little taller
so the younger ones can stand behind you.

sometimes it means
becoming a mother. so you’re mom can be a daughter.

the title grows
slowly,
quietly,
and heavier with time.

after a long day
body aching from carrying your loud world full of expectations
and heavy work that never ends,

you reach the door, looking for somewhere to release the baggage.
hoping for stillness and rest.

but instead welcomed with dishes in the sink.

plates everywhere
like quiet reminders
that someone
is always waiting.

being the ate means
you learn to see everything.

the toys pushed halfway under the couch.
the silence in the room when someone is hurting.
the tension people pretend not to notice.
the small things that need fixing
before anyone even asks.

and sometimes
the emotions
you aren’t meant to hold
but do anyway.

no one tells you, it starts to become an obligation. not a choice.

and somewhere along the way
my exhaustion became something
i had to justify.

something they wouldn’t get.

still
i love them.

i love the way they know who to call
when something breaks.
i love being the one
who knows how to solve certain things.

the one who helps keep the family
stitched together
with patience
and love.

but some nights
when the house is finally quiet,

when the dishes are done
and everyone has what they need,

i sit in the quiet
long awaited stillness and ask

who was supposed to take care of me. who was supposed to help me carry the heaviness of the day.

somewhere along the way, the lessons for my future started being examples of a life i didn’t want.

because beneath the title
beneath the responsibility
the world handed me before i could refuse it

i am still someone’s daughter.

and some days
i wish someone would remember
that being the strong one was never a choice i had to make.

- p